Monday, January 02, 2017


Yesterday a friend reminded me of my blog, so I came back to visit. 

This archive of blog posts is like an adventure through the wilds of my psyche, my sometimes anxious and often distorted mind. It is a trip through the seeking and questioning, advising and anxsting, through joy and my endless confusion. 

The blog tells one story of a lot of years riding blind on the rough, dark, circular route of the shame train.  

New Year's Day is a classic date for goal setting and resolutions. 
Yeah  ... nah. This year I just want to roll with life and see where it goes. 
The engine has pulled into the 2017 station and I am disembarking sans baggage

The New Year arrives and my web feeds race past with memes and goals and resolutions, screeching and blaring out announcements through the loudspeaker of 'should':

Eat this. Make this. Work this. Plan this. Wear this. Lose this. Say this. 
You gotta do more, you gotta be more you gotta get more, you gotta have more.
And never forget that your fundaments are flawed so fix yourself, fix yourself, fix yourself...
Enough ... enough. Fuck it ... enough. 
Silence the soul bashing screeches and blares. For me, its time to look in the mirror and say:

"I am ok."
My life is not a fantasy, it is a reality and its ok. Actually, it is grouse. 

I am fat, but I am phat. 

A bit dishevelled, a bit broke and neck deep in the motherload of love-and-family-mess I am, and I would rather be here than anywhere. 

I don't know which train I want to get on next.
But truckloads of opportunities are arriving and departing all the time.  Turns out, they had been queuing up at the self-doubt barrier the whole time, waiting for the wall to come down. 

It is unnecessary to endlessly travel around the same circle of demented track and mourn the tragic loss of hours and tears to anxiety and self-decimation. Plenty of other trips to take. 

2017 is a mystery ticket to life. I am gonna jump on board, relax, look out the window and just see what happens.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Hello, Gorgeous!

Today I am going to write the words "Hello, Gorgeous!" on my mirror and let it be the first and last thing I say to myself every day.

Fuck self-hatred. 
It is the prison gates of my own making, stopping all progress on the superhighway to where I want to be.
These days I can even see the vision of my destination through its bastard blockade. 
It is the only thing barring my way forward and I am the only thing holding it in place.

Today I am grasping the iron with both hands and I will cast it down,
to present myself to life with a visceral, heart strong - "Ta -dah!"

Then I will step over the gate and keep on walking.

What is the first thing you are going to say to yourself today?
When I see you I will say "Hello, Gorgeous!"

Thank you for the inspiration and generosity I have so gratefully received this week:

Christine Storm: Chrysalis Business Consulting
Perfect PItch : Natasha Cica and Rosalie Martin

and Elizabeth Gilbert

Monday, May 11, 2015

Things I have learnt from Musical Theatre #1: the hardest working kids in town

Five months of my recent life have been consumed and invigorated by "Evita". A local theatre company gave me a shot at performing in the ensemble of their production and it has been my making.

I like to think that this blog, while often seemingly random and themeless, is a place for me to share what I learn. Evita has been an education.

The cast was made up of around 50 people aged from 11 to 'a lady never divulges her age'. Most of the cast had a teen in their number. I'd like to share with you what I have learned about these young people.

First I would like to ask you: When was the last time you committed to something, something outside of full-time work or study and committed to it for up to 12 hours a week for 5 months? A commitment that required focus, discipline, mental, creative and physical challenges and constant connection and interaction with 50 people working as a team. When was the last time a commitment like this required a final week of 50 hours in confined space with those 50 people you have spent 12 hours a week with, plus crew, and this was on top of your full-time work/study?

And in particular, when was the last time you did all this with professionalism, commitment and focus? Striving for excellence, all the while keeping your humour and squeezing the most fun that could possibly be squeezed from every second?

(I know, right? I couldn't do it. I was stuffed. I needed days off work and a lot of naps.)

So this is what I have learnt about young people in theatre.

These young people are responsible, committed. They turned up sick. They turned up exhausted.  They were vulnerable and anxious. They were kind and caring to each other. And so bloody funny. They turned up and turned it on every day.

Parents of teens who say they want to pursue a career in theatre or music or drama, can I just say to you, encourage them. Care for them. Please don't tell them they need something sensible 'to fall back on'. Acknowledge their dedication and hard work as well as their beauty and talent.
You know, with support, they might just crack it.

Or they might not. They may get to 25, be broke and decide that they haven't made it and that its time to do something sensible. (oh my god, so many years to be sensible.). At least they would have spent their youth working their arses off, surrounded by creative, stimulating people, pushing, challenging and exposing their vulnerability every day and having a fkn good time doing it.

If they can do that, lets face it, they can do anything.

Better to try than to get to 25 having done 'the sensible thing' and being broke anyway.
Better to try than to get to 25 and feel that you lost yourself on the way.

Better to try than get to 42 and grieve for a version of life unlived.

My hat is off to you, young people of musical theatre. You are brave and bold.
Seize it, relish it, pursue it now. Being 'sensible' is highly overrated.

Parents of young people who want to pursue a career in music, theatre and the arts, please don't fear for their future. You can have faith and be so proud of them. 

They are the hardest working kids in town.

Photo courtesy of Encore Theatre Company